Loyalty Vs. Blind Loyalty is Challenging During an Election Year
A loyal family member is faithful to the family’s traditions and honors its obligations. A loyal family member is emotionally present with support and encouragement during success or duress. These unwavering devotions are admirable and observable: just look at how a loyal family member helps another member during an illness, a financial crisis, the breakup of a marriage, death.
I admire family loyalty; I believe in it. However, I do not believe in blind family loyalty and here is why.
A blindly loyal person follows lockstep and unquestioningly behind the family. Frequently the marching is done unconsciously or the family is enmeshed (one-size-fits-all mentality) because one doesn’t want to upset or anger another family member - a practice of “keep the peace mentality.” Many of us have been guilty of it, especially when we were young and not sophisticated enough to discern the pluses or minuses of stances, perceptions or memories. Sometimes, the blindly loyal member will “go along” with something even when common sense and rationale plead with them to speak up and speak out. Sometimes, the blindly loyal member rejects hard core examples of a family’s neurotic, enabling and codependent responses. That behavior hurts and damages their other relationships and particularly spousal intimacy. How so?
Well, families operate on a continuum of being open with their communication or closed. Families with high functioning open systems can address almost any topic even when extremely painful, difficult or sensitive: loss, divorces, health (whether physical or mental), secrets, alcoholism, various abuses, addictions, feelings of shame, affairs, political opinions and death of beloved members. A high functioning family feels confident and secure enough individually and as a family unit to discuss these circumstances and either explore or call them what they are. Individual expressions are not only permitted, they are encouraged. And while I agree it can be complicated and delicate and take emotional courage where family dynamics long established are concerned, it is not impossible to negotiate peaceful outcomes or at least civility and respect.
But, this isn’t the case in the closed blindly loyal family. For example, in a blindly loyal family where the mother was cold and unaffectionate to her children and now one member wants to let “the cat out of the bag” this member is often rejected by other family members. "Mom was wonderful, look at all those pies she baked!" Blind family loyalty expects and demands that everyone remember how terrific their celebrations were even when dad dominated every discussion or fell into the potato salad the same night. In other words, the blindly loyal family must turn “dad the sinner” into “dad the saint.” And, heaven protect the family member who challenges the accepted family view if one lone member is voting Democrat and the accepted family voice is Republican. This year, because of COVID19 and an election year coinciding, has been so extremely challenging for everyone. When our next presidential nomination and election is upon us, that residue will likely remain.
So, where does blind loyalty actually originate? Usually, it’s formed in early childhood to win parental approval and love because the worse thing for a child to feel is disapproved of, unloved, and unwanted. As children we need and want these things and it's vital for our development to feel it from our parents. Thus, we all want to believe we had the perfect family so we ignore the imperfections and transform family issues into virtues. The reality comes later when we see other people’s families or we marry someone who is a more high functioning emotionally than we. That’s when we have a point-of-reference for comparison. But telling ourselves that something was perfectly wonderful when it was not is emotionally unhealthy. It's also a form of denial or repression. And, thoseunderlying feelings that were never addressed don’t disappear; they go underground to get projected and played out later with coworkers, spouses, friendships, on-line, and even with our own children or grandchildren. For example, the adult child who could never please mom or dad or both often feels never good enough and becomes highly reactive when criticism comes his or her way no matter what discussion is occuring.
And yet, with acceptance of what "really" occurred in our family system, coupled with insight and introspection and, sometimes being open to another sibling's perception, or a close relative's perspective, or a friend's input, spiritual director or professional's guidance, most of us can understand more fully the childhood that we actually experienced minus a psychological defense which prevents us from turning around and misdirecting that disappointment, hurt and oftentimes ' buried rage' onto others. Yes, my friends, we can become loyal “to our own experience” and "to our own development" and that’s a really good thing.
Remember, there is no shame in admitting that we have wounds from some family experiences and that we have wounded others, sometimes blindly so, but let’s not make a blind loyalty into a family affair. Instead, let’s accept that no family is perfect, we are individually not perfect, life is hard, and most of us do the best we can. When we are open to this conscious shift from being a blindly loyal family member to an authentically loyal family member our families will be true and compassionate places of refuge. Places where we can always return to heal a hurt, to laugh and cry, to process a complex discussion of difference, and, yes, sometimes even exhale a bona fide sigh of those memorable hopeful words: home sweet home.